The SuperCandid Podcast

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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Love Dare Part 19: The Altar Call

"Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to how you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination."

I had to take some time off to consider how to respond to this dare. The chapter that accompanies it is an unabashed altar call. Which I found odd, since the main market for this book is Christians. It reminded me of the times in youth group when the youth leader would issue a kind of altar call to a group of kids who were already attending youth group 2-3 times a week. If we weren't Christians, I don't know what was wrong with us. It felt to me that I should constantly be questioning myself, wondering if I should respond to these altar calls or not. After all, the youth leader kept making them to the same group of us and I hadn't gone yet. Maybe he knew something about my faith that I didn't.

The point of this chapter was that all these dares, all these challenges, and the love that they spring forth from(or the love that is supposed to spring forth from them), are impossible by yourself. Only through the love that comes through salvation are they possible.

Anyway, when I reflected upon the previous dares I had no trouble at all doing them. So if I were to take this as a measure of my faith then I'm doing great.

This sort of "dare" really tries my patience. Yet another Christian bait & switch. The book presents itself as something to help all marriages, but it's really just another religious book that wants to tell me how weak my faith is and how much I need Jesus.

Look, I know I need Jesus. In fact, I know it so well I went ahead and got Him. I don't need a book that says it's about my marriage but then switches it around halfway through. Next thing you know this book will be telling me how much I hate my father and that Morpheus has the secret to modern manhood.

The next 21 dares are going to be rough. Hopefully the book improves.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Love Dare Part 18: Tummy Trouble

"Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate."

Dinner wasn't exactly what I had planned. Nicole & I were both not feeling well, and our furnace was on the fritz, so we had kind of a lousy night. I helped her make fideos to settle her stomach, and then she decided that my cheese sandwich looked good, so I made her one of those as well. We spent most of the rest of the night huddled together under a blanket, so I suppose it turned out well.

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Love Dare Part 17: My baby's got a secret.

"Determine to guard your mate's secretes (unless they are dangerous to them or you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe."

This was a hard one to really get my head around. I read & re-read the chapter, and it seemed to be about trust. Specifically, being trustworthy to your spouse. I found the caveat in this "dare" kind of interesting. I imagine someone asking their wife to tell them a secret, and getting something like "Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none," or "Beware the ides of March."

None of that really helped me figure out what I was supposed to do.

Anyway, I talked to Nicole about this, and she offered to share secrets. Of course, her secrets were things

like "I go out to eat when you work on the weekends." Nothing too exciting.

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Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Love Dare Part 16: Improvement

"Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage."

Praying for Nicole was actually harder than I thought, since most of my prayers are for my own reformation. Corny as it sounds, Nicole actually is practically perfect in my eyes. I eventually did think of some things to pray about, but I think I'll keep them to myself. No need to share my secret hopes for Nicole here.

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Love Dare Part 15: And I'm back

So I took a break from The Love Dare for a few days to catch up on blog posts and to give it a rest. Doing the Love Dare is hard on a marriage, since Nicole constantly suspects that I'm doing things more for the "dare" than for her. So with a few days off, let's go at it!

"Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."

This was another hard one . It was hard to come up with anything that I could do for Nicole that I don't already do. She asked me to dinner today, and I bought her a nice appetizer. I made her a snack. I got up early and cooked her breakfast. All of these things are pretty regular, or at least they seem so.

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Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Love Dare Part 14: There goes the night

"Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."

I didn't even have to try very hard for today's dare. It was almost done for me. I had plans, going to the gym, working out, something I do daily after work. I was even really looking forward to it, because I'd missed it yesterday.

Then, just before I get off work, Nicole calls me to tell me that we're having dinner with her sister for her sister's birthday. So there went my night, everything else put on hold until after dinner, at which point it's too late to really do anything else anyway.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against spending time with Nicole's sister or her family in general. But I don't always like having last minute plans made that disrupt what I had thought was going to be an uneventful night.

I have a feeling this post is going to get me in trouble.

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Love Dare Part 13: There ain't no rules in a knife fight

"Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs."

This isn't any fun. Fighting, by definition, isn't fair. You don't fight to have a contest of argumenative ability. You don't fight to skill. You fight to win. Just like a war. War isn't about which military is the most sporting. War is about which military is the most effective at destroying the other.

Nicole & I tried this dare. We sat down for a few minutes before bed, and tried to discuss ways to "fight fair." We said things like "we won't bring up the past," "we'll never use the words always and never," but we knew the truth. When our feelings our hurt, our anger is up, these rules go out the window.

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Love Dare Part 12: This is hurting my marriage

"Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."

Today I ran into a problem in The Love Dare. This is a problem that perhaps only exists in situations like mine, where my marriage is fine and my spouse knows I'm doing the Love Dare.

The Love Dare is actually hurting my marriage. I say this because for today's dare I let Nicole win in an argument we didn't even have. She wanted to buy something. Normally, I might hem and haw, and insist on checking our bank accounts before she buys something bigger than $20, but today I just let her buy it.

Then she started asking if I was letting her buy it because I wanted to let her buy it, or because of today's love dare. She was furious that I might have let her get her way simply because of the book. Never mind what I may or may not have done if I wasn't doing the Love Dare. She attributed my actions to me simply trying to follow the book, not out of a genuine desire to let her do it.

I was thinking of an old quote, which I can't remember the source of, that said something along the lines of "to be a good person, first act as you think a good person might act, and eventually you will yourself become a good person and the actions will come naturally." Dangerous ground here it seems, at least in love. Words of warning for any healthy marriages thinking about injecting a dose of the love dare.

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Monday, January 11, 2010

The Love Dare Part 11: Just for you

Today was another easy one.

"What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile."

I don't know why these are supposed to be so difficult. I gave Nicole a back & leg massage. She enjoyed it. I watched TV while I did it. Everybody was happy.

Sure it wasn't that hard. Sure I do this all the time. But she needed it, and I count that as fulfilling this "dare." Since I do this sort of thing pretty regularly. I'm feeling pretty good about myself in "love dare" standards today.